I have a list a hundred miles long of things I have stuffed into my ”Don’t Think About’ box. Things that were too hard to deal with at the moment. The number one job my brain has is protecting me. It is REALLY good at it’s job. It always has helped me to get through to the next day. The things that have been put in my box were put there to make sure I survived. Physical abuse, rape, marital rape, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, doing things just to survive that I feel so much shame about, there are so many more.
The big problem with my “Don’t Think About” box is that there are so many happy things that are in there too. My brain can’t separate them out. It’s big chunks of life that got stuffed into that box. A lot of those chunks are the size of years. Some months and some days.
I am taking a leap of faith in the universe to start unpacking my “Don’t Think About” box. In order for me to be the person I want to be I have to allow myself to be vulnerable with this. I have to open the lid of the box of all the scary things that have been hidden inside. So many things that so many people will not understand. Truly though, if I think about it honestly, they really are not meant to. This is my story, my journey and I would’t wish it on anyone else.
This journey has made me who I am. It could have taken me in a whole different direction but it didn’t. It made me strong, compassionate, and emotional. I am choosing to take everything I have learned and use it for good. I am choosing to help others.
My story can easily come back to haunt me because the people I share it with won’t be ready for it. They will try to fix it, it is their nature to try to make things better. There is nothing to fix though. The stories are just pieces of a picture that was already taken. If they weren’t stuffed in my box they would be faded and worn but because they were hidden from the elements of my life they are still bright and vivid. These fragments of my story from my yesterdays can’t be changed. They can lose their hold on me though, unpacking is the only way. Letting the air hit them so they can fade as they should have.
I have to unpack the box so I can use the pieces of information for good. This path through what I consider my shame today is going to be hard. It shakes me to my core. It has been a storm that has been raging for so many years within me. It has been screaming to come out but I keep adding locks to the lid. One after another after another I have heard them click into place. Click. Click. Click. I can’t do that anymore.
As I unpack the boxes I think my biggest fear is that the people that I love will see me differently. That they won’t want me in their life any longer. I have to take the risk though. It’s time to get out the keys and start unlocking the box. It’s time to let the light shine on these stories and take away the power they hold.
I am terrified but that doesn’t matter anymore. It’s time to be all of me.