It was our ninth holiday season without you. Nine long years.
People all deal with grief differently. I encountered many different aspects of grief just dealing with those who were impacted with your passing. Your father and his family blamed me for your death by suicide. They said I murdered you. They put up websites saying awful things about me. During the worst time of my life I was fighting others grief as well.
Some said you went to hell. They didn’t realize that their form of hell was what you felt you were living. I have to believe that the demons that were in your mind are now quiet and your soul is at peace.
Those that were my closest friends left my life. It appeared that they couldn’t deal with my constant sadness. My broken heart was smashed under their feet as they retreated from my life. I have learned that everyone has different levels of skills when it comes to dealing with loss.
For a very long time I couldn’t sleep. I would relive finding you. Night after night. I was deep into my own depression. I played the ‘What If’ game for years. Always wondering ‘What If’ I did this or ‘What If’ I did that. I knew that this mind game wouldn’t bring you back and it just fueled the guilt and the pain that I felt. It took lots of therapy to end that game. To limit the nightmares. Therapy, medication, and finding a way to put the pieces of my heart back together. To find a new normal.
The ache in my heart today is just as big as the day I lost you. It never goes away, it never leaves. I don’t want anyone else to ever feel this type of pain. When you lose a child it is devastating. It is forever. My heart will always miss you. It will always hurt. It will always be broken with cracks and crevices that run deep.
The pain doesn’t stop but I refuse to let it consume me. I use the pain of losing you. I talk about it. I talk about you and how the loss of you has impacted me and those you have touched. I open my heart to many who need someone to believe in them. To listen to them. To hug them. I open my heart to let in the happy. I share my heart over and over and over. I use my entire being sharing healing and happy to those open to it.
It comes with a cost though. It means I can’t hide from my pain. I can’t close off the sadness. I have to head into the broken pieces of my heart every day. That is the only way to be able to feel the smiles. To grasp the reality of laughter. To stay open to love that still surrounds me.
I get frustrated when I feel that others have forgotten or choose not to remember you. I know it is because it hurts them. It brings me to a place where I don’t want to go in my head. I want to talk about you to them. I can tell it makes them uncomfortable. They don’t know what to say to me in response. All they really need to do is listen. Instead they look away. They then change the subject. If they would open themselves up though it might help fill some of their cracks too.
As each day passes the cracks and crevices of my heart are filled with smiles, laughter, hugs, love, and every bright moment that I can add to my days. Although my heart will never be the same since losing you, it will keep on beating.
One of the ways I have accomplished this is by expanding my jewelry business that I had while you were here kiddo. You were so proud of each piece I made. You were my biggest fan. I use my creativity in many ways to share happy, humor and healing.
I also joined Toastmasters after you passed. I learned the skills of public speaking. I share our story anywhere I can. I talk about your last days on this earth. I talk about the impact your loss has had on others, on me. I share hope for a better tomorrow.
Your story isn’t over baby girl. You may not walk the earth any longer but your story can help others live. It already has. Each life I touch adds to the smiles, laughter, hugs, love and brings moments that brighten peoples lives. Those lives will touch others and so on. Your light will continue spreading from one soul to another. I will continue filling the cracks and crevices of those who need a little assistance here and there. Just like they continue to fill mine.
I miss you every day baby girl.