How many times have you been asked, “How are you?” and you automatically answer, “I am fine.”

That is my go-to response as well, but I am finding it harder and harder to say it. The month of July is hard since my daughter passed in 2008 but this year it was harder still.

On the 23rd I turned 60 which brought up so many feelings about getting older. Not accomplishing everything I wanted to do by this point in my life. Of course, my life took many turns I wasn’t expecting to take. I guess that is what life is about though. You follow the twists and turns that your choices and the choices of others create. All of them are now part of your life whether you want them to be or not. Life isn’t and shouldn’t be a straight line. Where would we learn anything if it was. That doesn’t mean you have to like the twists and turns, sometimes you just have to hold on during the ride.

I am finding the choices of others that have impacted my life very difficult right now. These choices leave me feeling lost, sad, and unsure of what to do to move forward. To find my balance again. I am unsure it is possible.

Sixteen years ago, July 27th, 2008, my daughter Kat took her life and exited her journey. I knew her illness of bi-polar disorder was a huge contributor to her decision, there were other factors as well, but that was number 1 in my opinion. It has been difficult in so many ways to lose her, but this post isn’t about her.

The choice made by another that is hurting my heart today is my son. He hasn’t spoken to me or my family since Christmas. Seven months and nothing. No explanation why. No contact with anyone. He just didn’t show up for our planned holiday. I haven’t seen him or my granddaughters since Christmas Eve at my sisters. I have texted, called, sent snail mail letters, cards, and nothing.

His 40th birthday was July 30th. I sent him a gift but sadly I knew I would not hear from him. The ache in my heart is extreme because I know he walks this earth, although he appears to be as gone as his sister. His youngest turned 8 on August 1st, she is my youngest granddaughter, and I didn’t get to see her either.

It has been a very long week of incredibly painful emotions. Most don’t know what is going on in my life. I keep most of my world to myself. So, if you ask me “How are you?” my answer will mostly likely be “I am fine.” but I’m not.

I am broken hearted. I am empty. I am lost. I am crushed.