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It’s July. This month is filled with many different emotions that I have to navigate. It’s my birthday month first off. As I get older, it makes me review my life. Have I accomplished everything I have wanted to. My answer is always “not even close”. I have so many more things I am going to do. The years are running lower though but that isn’t going to stop me.

Next is my son’s birthday. He is only 20 years younger than me. He is definitely a human being to be proud of. I am very blessed to be his mom. He has grown into a fine young man. Thoughtful, appreciative, loving. He is an amazing husband, father, soldier, teacher. It is so incredible to watch him on this adventure of life. He has blessed me with four beautiful granddaughters. Each one is a joy in their own right. Celebrating him is one of the best things about July.

What always overshadows everything in July though is losing my daughter. The pain is always there right below the surface. Those around me know she is gone but I try hard not to live my life in sorrow. I am working towards making something incredible out of her loss. Something I wish was available when she was on this earthly plain. Her life mattered.

It will be 15 years. FIFTEEN! How can that even be possible. Of course, I look at her child, who was 4 when she died. Now this beautiful human being is 19, only 3 years younger than she was when she left us. It is definitely true, no matter if it seems like yesterday.

She would be so proud of the person her little one has become. She has her sense of humor, her silliness, her heart. She would be happy to know that she doesn’t have her demons. She has her own battles that she fights, but she doesn’t have bipolar disorder therefore she isn’t fighting that fight. She was an amazing gift that my daughter gave to this world.

I often wonder how she would have grown if she made it past 22. I watch her friends growing through their life journeys. Would she have found the joys, the love, the beauty through the challenges? I know that I will never know, but I continue to wonder. I will always wonder.

There are so many things swirling around in my brain related to this month, but they won’t settle. Feelings so close to the surface that I can usually keep at rest, most of the time. I am going to get a cup of coffee and just sit with them this morning.

I miss you baby girl.

Hug those that are important to you. You never know when you won’t be able to.